The Bomb Drops

My wife had taken a short trip to see her family, and was gone for about 5 days. I talked with her on the phone, everyday, and I could tell she was short with me; then again, I'm sure I was being a bit short with her as well, in response. When she came back, I could tell something was wrong. She hardly spoke to me and kept her face buried in her computer with headphones on; she really did not seem happy to see me. So, after a day or two, I wrote her an email while at the office, basically asking what was going on. In reply, she said that, yes, she had been ignoring me, and yes, something was very wrong and she wasn't sure she was ready to talk about it. Of course, I called her immediately.

She said she was confused, and wasnt sure what she wanted, if she was happy with where she and we were. I came home, where she dropped it on me: she wasn't sure if our marriage was what she wanted. Talk about the floor dropping out, I was completely taken by surprise. To be fair, she also said she needed to get her head in order, but man, she had been hiding this from me for an unknown amount of time, trying to suppress or ignore the feelings she was having. Man, the tears were flowing, and I was blubbering like a baby. This from, ahem, an instrumental griever (i.e., I tend to think through and rationalize my feelings, which are less intense). I mean, I can't remember the last time I cried, and while I know that there is no correct way to deal, I just wasn't used to this level of emotion. I guess I found my intuitive side.

For a day or so, I moved between crying, rationalization and optimism, all while my wife tried to explain that she thought we should separate. I couldn't agree, it just seemed so drastic, and, typically myself, I thought we could "fix" it. Not happening. I took off to see my brother and his band for a few days, and she went to see a counselor. My mood was unbelieveably bad; I pretty much ruined the day of everyone I came into contact with, and I just couldn't get a grip. She decided she would take off when I got back, and spend a few days to herself.

It all moves so quickly

So, I've got some catching up to do, as things around here are changing constantly. First, a little background:

I've always thought that I had a good marriage; not great, but good. Honestly, I'm not sure how to separate the two, and that's probably because it's still so new to me. I was comfortable, stable, confident and happy; when we had problems, we aired them out, and did what we could to rectify the situation. Of course, it's not always perfect; we had problems, small tiffs here and there about housework, pets, responsibility, money, etc, but nothing that felt like a serious problem. The only recurring issue we ran into was sex related. It's great, when we have it, and we used too...quite often. More recently though, we've gone in spurts, and desire is an issue. I chalk it up to a number of factors: stress, school and neglect, at least in the romance department. We had long, intense talks and fights and reconciliations about it, but we have yet to really resolve the issues here. I can't help but feel largely responsible. So, fast forward to about a week ago, and the next post.

Why am I here?

I've been in a relationship for five years now, married for three, and I'm facing the possibility of losing everything. This is the single most difficult thing I've ever been through, and the feelings of loss, sorrow and grief weigh heavily on me. I'm hoping that the process of writing will help me cope.