The Bomb Drops

My wife had taken a short trip to see her family, and was gone for about 5 days. I talked with her on the phone, everyday, and I could tell she was short with me; then again, I'm sure I was being a bit short with her as well, in response. When she came back, I could tell something was wrong. She hardly spoke to me and kept her face buried in her computer with headphones on; she really did not seem happy to see me. So, after a day or two, I wrote her an email while at the office, basically asking what was going on. In reply, she said that, yes, she had been ignoring me, and yes, something was very wrong and she wasn't sure she was ready to talk about it. Of course, I called her immediately.

She said she was confused, and wasnt sure what she wanted, if she was happy with where she and we were. I came home, where she dropped it on me: she wasn't sure if our marriage was what she wanted. Talk about the floor dropping out, I was completely taken by surprise. To be fair, she also said she needed to get her head in order, but man, she had been hiding this from me for an unknown amount of time, trying to suppress or ignore the feelings she was having. Man, the tears were flowing, and I was blubbering like a baby. This from, ahem, an instrumental griever (i.e., I tend to think through and rationalize my feelings, which are less intense). I mean, I can't remember the last time I cried, and while I know that there is no correct way to deal, I just wasn't used to this level of emotion. I guess I found my intuitive side.

For a day or so, I moved between crying, rationalization and optimism, all while my wife tried to explain that she thought we should separate. I couldn't agree, it just seemed so drastic, and, typically myself, I thought we could "fix" it. Not happening. I took off to see my brother and his band for a few days, and she went to see a counselor. My mood was unbelieveably bad; I pretty much ruined the day of everyone I came into contact with, and I just couldn't get a grip. She decided she would take off when I got back, and spend a few days to herself.